Whoa!

I am pretty sure that the term “stiff as a board” probably was around before I was, but whenever I hear it I can’t help but think about myself.  Limber is not a word that has ever been used about me and probably never will be. Neither has the word graceful and I know this word will never be used in regards to me.  Unless of course it is a joke.  My stepfather used to call me Grace.  And “yes” he meant it to be funny.  As you already know, I like to bicycle.  Cycling is a sport where you pretty much stay in the same position for hours, depending on how long you like to ride.  For someone as stiff as I am, that can get downright painful.  My back aches after long rides.  So does my neck and shoulders.  The most painful thing for me though are my hips.

As I have been cycling, off and on, for a couple of years now I have discovered that it’s pretty easy for your glutes (your butt) to begin to overpower your hip flexors.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you an anatomy lesson. I’m just trying to explain why I did what I did.  So I decided that I could really use some help in becoming more flexible and better at stretching.  A friend of mine has been after me for sometime  to try yoga.  Not just any yoga though, hot yoga. One of my employees is also recently into this thing she also calls hot yoga. Everyday after she’s attended a yoga class she tells me about it and then adds that she thinks I should try it too. She thinks I’d like it.  Now why these people think that a fat woman well past middle age, who’s as stiff as a 2×4 or a steel beam, would want to prance around a hot room in spandex and contort herself into ridculous poses is beyond me.  But I am really stiff.  I do have back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, hip pain…  And I am interested in all things Eastern…

So I decide to give it a try.  This yoga place in town Sunstone Yoga has a great introductory offer.  10 days for $10.  How could I go wrong?  I’ll pay $10, go to a couple of classes, do a little stretching, some silly poses and maybe I won’t be as stiff.  I mean really, how hard could this be? I may be 70 pounds overweight and stiff as a board but I’m a cyclist.  I’m Biggie From Texas.  I’m a TEXAN.  I’m tough.  I’ve got this.  No problem.  Holy shit. They really mean hot don’t they?  The room that we are going to practice in is almost 100 freakin’ degrees and 60% humidity.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  I got this.  I’m a Texan.  Born and raised.  I’ve ridden my bike in 92 degree temps, of course I got heat exhaustion and it took me almost two weeks to recover, but I got this.

We lay on our mats and towels for about 30 minutes before the instructor comes in.  We’re acclimating.  Uh-huh. Acclimating.  Within the first 5 minutes my eyes are burning from the sweat pouring into them.  My bra and panties are SOAKED.  My shorts are getting there as is my t-shirt.  No I am not in a cute little spandex get-up and no we haven’t even started class yet.  The lights turn on and the instructor comes in.  Actually she sort of glides in like a little butterfly.  As soon as I see her I am pretty sure that I am doomed.  She looks to be about 12 (that’s in my eyes, she’s probably really in her early 20′s), she weighs about 75 pounds, is about 5’7″ and is one solid muscle.  Tiny as she is, she looks strong. Okay, if this gets too bad I can rush her, take her down and pummel her. I got this.  Only there are mirrors everywhere.  She’ll totally see me coming and then she will just flit away like a little butterfly.  SHIT! I may have to do this. Calm down Biggie.  The class hasn’t even started yet.  What’s the matter with you?

Her name is Amanda.  She was once a beginner too and she was stiff and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… Can we just get this started please….  Okay, we’ve introduced ourselves and stated why we are here.  What we want to get out of this…  We start with some breathing exercise. Hah, this ain’t so bad afterall.  Deep breathing.  I got this.  This is going to be a breeze.  We do some stuff where we’re moving our arms around and breathing at the same time.  This isn’t so bad. It really is hot in here though.  I got this.  Now we’re standing on one leg with our arms moving around, holding our other leg up in the air, I am shaking like mad trying to keep my balance, I can barely see anything because of the stinging sweat pouring into my eyes, my arms are TIRED, the poor leg that I am standing on and trying to balance on feels like it’s going to EXPLODE.  Dang, it’s hot in here. It really is unbelievably hot, how long have we been holding this stupid pose, hahaha, look at that really fat woman in the mirror.  She’s totally soaked, her hair is all wet she looks like a walrus trying to stand and balnce, HOLY SHIT, THAT’S ME!!!! Whoa.  That really fat, totally ridiculous woman with absolutely no grace whatsoever is me.  Whoa.

I simply cannot believe how hard this is and how HOT it is.  Surely this stupid class is almost over.  I look down at my watch.  We’ve been at this for 7 minutes.  I could be in trouble.  Amanda makes everything looks so easy.  Everything is completely effortless for her.  Then again the skinny bitch only weighs 75 pounds.  My right butt cheek weighs more than her entire freakin’ body!  We now move to the mat for some floor poses.  Honey, trust me, at this point I have no trouble whatesoever laying down on the floor.  She’s verbally describing what this next pose is going to be.  It must be the heat getting to me.  I can’t possibly have heard that right. “Amanda, could you please show us this move?”   She does the move, the pose.  I giggle a little to myself.  Then I gigle some more, not so much to myself.  Then I completely bust out laughing, guffawing, totally interrupting the class.  I simply cannot control myself.  This thing she did.  This thing that she expects me to do…it’s completely ridiculous.  Human bodies are not meant to do these things.  Are they?  But you know what?  I’m BIGGIE! I can do anything!!!!  I am going to give it my all.  I got this.  I have my legs completely contorted, then we’re supposed to slowly twist and roll onto one side.  Slowly!  Honey, I start this move and gravity takes over.  Ain’t no slowly happenin’ here today.  I’m getting the walrus image again. Only this time it’s of a walrus on the beach trying to roll over.  I am looking at myself in the mirror.  I am wondering how in the frak did I get here.  I am contorted.  I am sweating profusely.  My butt cheeks are clenched so tight I could crack walnuts back there as I try my darndest not to fart right out loud in this cram-packed room of torture.  I look at myself and I picture an almost empty bag pf pretzels.  There’s nothing but granules of salt and broken pretzels lying in the bottom.  I am the broken pretzel pieces! I am in pain and I AM NOT HAVING FUN.

I will never come here again.  This is horrible.  This could quite simply be one of the STUPIDEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.  This class is not for middle-aged fat women who cannot touch their toes.  This is for skinny little bitches that look great in spandex.  I hate every single one of them.  This is STOOPID, STOOPID, STOOPID. I am sort of enjoying this pose.  Well, enjoying might be carrying it a little far, but this stretch feels kinda good.  This next pose I’m not quite as horrible at.  Graceful?  No!  But I’m kinda doing it and I don’t look quite as ridiculous (although I am still fat and sweaty), and it’s a really good strecth for my hip flexors.  Maybe, just maybe, I might come again.  I am most definitely not saying I got this, but, I might, just might have had a bit of fun.     peace