Ride From HELL!

I truly love bicycle riding.  Pushing yourself beyond what you believe you can do.  Reaching the top of a rough climb and taking the time to look back at what you’ve accomplished.  Riding along beautiful country roads and enjoying the smells and the sights.  I love just about everything there is to love about riding.  There are a handful of things that I don’t quite love. And all of these things were incorporated into my charity ride from last weekend.

When people get together in a HUGE group of a few hundred or even a few thousand people to do a big activity together people can be a little nervous.  Not bad nervous, but excited nervous.  You are about to embark on a big physical undertaking.  Nerves make people have to pee.  This is one of the reasons there are normally port-a-potties at the beginning of a ride.  People have been hydrating with lots of water and energy drinks and they’re nervous, therefore they need a place to pee! No pot-a-potties, anywhere.  Not a good sign, but perhaps just an oversight.  So we listen to the national anthem and then, we’re off! It was a beautiful morning.  It was still a little cool out and the skies were completely blue.  Beautiful.  Jess and I are riding hard.  It feels great.  My legs are fresh, I’m climbing hills well.  I really feel great.  We hit our first pretty steep hill and Jess is GONE. I can still see her after I get to the top of the hill, but she’s pretty far up ahead of me.  We turn onto Baghdad Road.  The majority of the ride will take place on this road.  By the end of this ride, I will come to despise this road.  In the future, every time I pass this road or have the misfortune of driving on this road I will spit.  Hopefully the spit will make it to the outside of my vehicle and onto the ground and not just dribble down my chin or down the side of my vehicle.

I have officially lost Jess.  Well, that’s not really true.  Jess has officially left me in the dust.  BITCH! I may never ride with her again.  In fact, if I do catch up to her again or have the opportunity, I will flatten one of her tires.  The rear one for sure since it’s harder to change.  Anyway, after many, many, many more hills I get to the center of a very small town.  I see a bunch of people up ahead at what looks like a school.  This is the rest stop.  “What the hell?” There are no port-a-potties?  No potties at the beginning of the ride and no potties along the way?  I don’t understand.  Well, I need cold water and a cold energy drink.  I find a place to park my bike and make my way over to the food and drink.  This was an interesting rest stop in that there are no bathrooms AND the food selection left a little to be desired.  Cold water.  That’s what I really need.  There are no cups.  No cups at all.  WTF? I’m going to have to walk all the way back to my bike to get my water bottles to drink from?  I don’t think so.  I lean right on over and under the spigot, press the button and let the cold water pour down my gullet!  Then I find a piece of a PB&J sandwich which I inhale.  Never touched my lips or teeth that baby was just gone. I now have the strength to walk to my bike and get my bottles to take back and refill.  Time to head off on the second half of this ride.

Now, I’ve been thinking that since the first half of this ride was almost all uphill that going back would be mostly downhill.  Makes sense, right?  From the rest stop we head back to the little town, but we then take a turn to make a loop back.  The county road we turn onto is a two lane road, no markings whatsoever and nothing resembling a shoulder.  This is a farming community.  The people here are open-minded, liberal, enviroment-loving, live-and-let-live kind of country folk I’m sure.  As I am heading down this country road and I start to hear banjos playing, a beat up old pick-up truck with “Farm Truck” license plates and a “Jack ‘Em High, Fat Chicks Can’t Climb” sticker on the back zooms past us throwing gravel and dust on us all over the place, honking, yelling profanities at us and he flips me the bird! This toothless redneck flips ME the bird?  He came so close to me I could have touched his truck and he curses at me and gives ME the bird?  Classy. There’s not a darn thing I can do except keep on pedaling and having fantasties about his arteries clogging after he finishes the bucket of fried chaicken that’s sittin’ next to him on the bench seat of his truck.  So that’s what I do.  Jess has once again left me in the dust.  I don’t see her anywhere.  At this point in the ride people are really spread out.  It’s no longer a group ride.  It’s every man for himself.  And Jess, she was gone. And then I see it.  It was one of those hills that when you see it you don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or take out your phone and call someone to come and get you.  It was massive.  Massively steep and it went on forever.  I’ll bet it had it’s own zipcode.  Massive. I saw people waaaaay up ahead of me getting off of their bikes and walking up this monster.  I certainly wasn’t going to kill myself on this thing, so I got off and walked it as well.

You have to understand the pure joy of walking up a steep hill, pushing a bike and wearing cleats.  Did I say joy?  I meant complete and utter agony.  The hill is already kicking your ass, AND you’re pushing a bike, AND the steepness is killing your calves and lower back, AND you are walking in a most unusual manner as the cleats on the front of your shoes are exaggerting the angle of the hill, AND you are mortified because you are supposed to be riding up the hill not walking.  So, in addition to being physically taxing it’s kicking your ass emotionally as well.  I make it to the top and get back on my bike and begin riding again.  What’s that noise? Why does my bike feel funny?  Oh NO, NO, NO!!!!! I have a flat.  I am most definitely not having fun any longer.

My tire changing abilities leave a little something to be desired.  I not only HATE changing a flat I am really not good at it.  Removing a road bike tire requires a little patience and finesse.  These are two things that I have a tendency to run a little low on.  I have everything I need to change a flat tire.  I have a spare tube, tire levers, a CO2 cartridge and inflator.  I am good to go except that I completely left all of my patience and finesse at the rest stop.  Since I couldn’t unload my bladder I had to leave somethin’ behind.  I take out my phone and call Jess.  She will surely offer to come back to where I am.  She couldn’t be anymore than 30 or 40 miles ahead of me.  You see, Jess has the patience and finesse that I lack and is quite a good flat changer.  “Jess, Hi.  I’m back here just over the top of that monster hill.  I have a flat.  I know, can you believe it?  Yeah, it does suck.  It’s really starting to get warm out here too.  Yeah, I’m really not very good at changing flats.  Oh, you’re having a great ride?  You just wanna keep hammering it out?  You’ll wait for me when we turn back onto Baghdad road?  Okay, I’ll see you there.”  Is she serious?  Has she lost her mind?  How could anyone not want to ride back several miles in the heat to assist me with my flat tire????? I’m fine.  I can do this.  I mean I’ve seen it done before.  Where is the race support anyway?  Where are the guys driving by in their trucks looking for people like me who need assistance?  Huh, must be with the port-a-potties.

So, I actually get my flat repaired and start back on my way.  I’m really having a hard time.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve eaten throughout the ride, I’ve stayed well hydrated, the hills have been tough but not crazy, except for the moster hill.  I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time.  My phone rings.  It’s Jess.  She says she thinks she may have taken a wrong turn.  Hasn’t seen amother rider in quite some time.  Turned onto county road 234, that was right wasn’t it?  Hehehehe.  ”Uh, no Jess, you weren’t supposed to turn there.  That was the Lavender Ride, this is the Atlas Ride.  You were supposed to stay straight.” Didn’t come back to help me with my flat….  Karma BABY!  K-A-R-M-A!  “I’m so sorry, but you’re going to have to turn around and come back the way you came.” I continue on my way.  Jess sounded like she was about to have to kill something. I suddenly don’t feel so badly after all, as I am now ahead of Jess…  eat my dust, baby! peace